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Turning Against The Self

from Backrooms by Anthony Ruptak

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lyrics

I was drowning myself inside a crystal coffin
Filled with rotgut and my white-boy tears
I felt bat-shit crazed whenever out of my haze
And I lived like that for seventeen years

I got the IV flowing to my bloodstream
Glowing in the magic of my newfound love
And we were fighting a war inside that suburban horror
Like those draftee docs in Korea

And I was reading Bukowski like the King James Bible
Thinking "This is who I wanna become."
And I was shipping the daylight on an Ambien rail line
In an effort to erase what I was

And we drank to forget and then we drank to forgive
And the practice made us perfect enough
But when I closed my eyes and it was bedlam inside
We always ended up awash in the flood

How have you been coping with everything
I heard you cut your hair real short
I don't blame you for anything
I hope you're doing well
It was the turning against the self

When he was holding me down and really letting it out
Screaming some two-thousand year old verse
Regarding "Honor Thy Father", drove the wedge even further
I was getting some of what I deserved

And it would cut me the deepest, man, when we would go at it
And you'd tell me I was acting like him
I didn't wanna believe it, so I'd fuck up your being
And then I'd promise not to do it again
And again

Remember the time that we flew out to Las Vegas
With a baggie of some mystery drugs
And we spent the whole time just tripping out of the window
Sorted some of what was eating us up

But then when we got back home and drove in different directions
We both started feeling scary alone
And from the darkest of origins, little joys that we foraged
Left us weeping by the sides of the road

I still feel your hurting, like everything
Time can't heal all these wounds
I see you in my dreams, I'm learning I kept you in a cell
But now you're doing it by yourself

credits

from Backrooms, released April 7, 2022

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Anthony Ruptak Denver, Colorado

Anthony Ruptak is a Colorado-based musician who writes and performs his original work with a simple mission: to explore the effects of the human condition. His music ranges from vulnerable acoustic performances to raucous and maximalist multi-instrumental experiences, with his intricate lyrics always at the forefront. Ruptak has been performing in Denver for over 15 years. ... more

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